On Love, Loss, and the Rebirth of Self-Love by Amy Pastrana.
I’m a listener. I listen to people’s problems, I listen to what my friends have to say about their life, about themselves, their siblings, their jobs, their classes, their parents, their home life, the good things and bad things. It’s not because I have to, I genuinely like to hear people’s stories. But I have to say the topic of relationships makes it to the top three. It’s probably because people know that I’ve been with my boyfriend since I was seventeen. Don’t get me wrong I love the guy but five years is a long time to figure out not only your significant other’s ups and downs, not only your relationship’s ups and downs but from your own ups and downs. I mean we’re not crazy like my sister and her husband who been together since they were fifteen and waited till they were thirty to finally get married…yet. But I’ve learned more about myself than I ever had being in a relationship.
Even when we did break up, girl I was a hot mess. My heart and brain needed to chill out and the emptiness was never-ending. I cannot TELL you how many times I picked up my phone tempted to call and text or creep creep creep on social media. I didn’t know what to do once my best friend left my life. My anxiety was lit!
And that’s where the harsh, beautiful lesson began to sink in. I was me before him. I was me during him. I was me after him. I went back to the roots of what made me the woman I am today. I re-visited what made me laugh. I said hello to what brought me peace.
I stood tall on my own only to find out I wasn’t alone. I had people around me who knew better than to never give up on themselves no matter what their reasons were.
I had the time to heal from my own scarring that I put upon myself. I had the time to not give a fuck and dance the hurt and mixed feelings away. So when I listened to people ask for advice on how I got through it, I tell them “breaking up was easy, but growing up is hard.”
I dumped him. Because I wasn’t happy with myself, I wasn’t happy on where my life was going and I knew I caused more harm to him because I didn’t know what else to do. So I let him go for the sake of me, it was the easiest thing to do and the most selfish. Fast forward to how we got back together. I realized he was the only good, positive thing in my life (besides me, but I didn’t know it then let’s be fair) and I had no damn clue how to deal with that. We weren’t ready to part ways, my impulsive self says otherwise. But I was ready to wake up again and I wanted my best friend by my side.
Ya’ll KNOW he was hesitant, but he wasn’t ready to let go like that either. We both agreed to give it another go cause why the hell not? We realized we actually liked each other. We realized there was so much more. We changed since then, a lot. He’s following his dreams, I’m following mine and we come back in the center to share what we have. We live our lives separately but together.
So five years is a long time to some, to others its nothing. Our initial reaction is “DAMN! When are ya gettin married tho?!” To which I say, “please, we got plenty of time for that.”